Presence
Its been a while. I have been searching for synthesis. I have been searching for balance. But not the kind that is like a great big blur--not a melting pot of my different aspects--but rather a sharpening of the distinctions and greater skill in moving between them, and an even strengthening of them all. I don't want to be a mental person--a mind-identified person, nor do I want to be entirely a body identified person. I don't want to be mostly political, or mostly spiritual, or mostly intellectual, or mostly sensual, or mostly physical, or mostly creative. I want to feel whole and to be able to play with all that is human to be.
When I sit at my chosen desk to write my dissertation chapters, or when I ask myself hard questions and puzzle out the answers, or when I try to read very old documents, I want to be able to use the different parts of me like I might pull various tools out of a tool box. I want to learn to focus my analytical mind to the task in a way that is pleasurable and effective--but without letting it control my life. I am not my mind--or at least my mind is not the entirety of me, and because I forget that, my mind runs wild, gets distracted, and hops around--grabbing at things like my friends' new puppy.
When I swim, or run, or go on a bike ride, I want to give to the experience everything that I have. I want to enjoy my body, love it, and embody it as the gift that it is. In every physical experience I want to be fully present--not trying to dominate my body, but learning to listen to it, follow it, but also to lead it firmly.
When I meditate, I want to be open to all the states of consciousness that are available and flashing like tempting jewels at the edge of my peripheral vision. I want to fully give to this part of being human--to the explorations and experiments that shift my perspective and lift my spirit.
When I feel--when I am happy or sad or angry--when I am sharing emotions with others, witnessing and holding space for their emotions, I want to be fully present there too. I want to feel and be rather than think, or solve. This is not the place for my over active mind to run free.
I want to move through these ways of being actively. I want to chose powerfully. I want to live life as a physical, spiritual, intellectual, creative, sensual, and conscious being. I want to enjoy it. I want to get all I can out of the experience of being alive and human--the experience of being me--in my path, in my choices, right here, right now. Nothing fancy. Nothing completely new. Just a transformation of being. A new ontology, informed perhaps by a new epistomology, but maybe the other way around. A new way of knowing might grow out of a new way of being. But what I am looking for is presence. Full, embodied, conscious, present, presence. Sounds like the best and sharpest tool, the most delicious drink, the deepest breath. This is my quest, though I wander from it.....
When I sit at my chosen desk to write my dissertation chapters, or when I ask myself hard questions and puzzle out the answers, or when I try to read very old documents, I want to be able to use the different parts of me like I might pull various tools out of a tool box. I want to learn to focus my analytical mind to the task in a way that is pleasurable and effective--but without letting it control my life. I am not my mind--or at least my mind is not the entirety of me, and because I forget that, my mind runs wild, gets distracted, and hops around--grabbing at things like my friends' new puppy.
When I swim, or run, or go on a bike ride, I want to give to the experience everything that I have. I want to enjoy my body, love it, and embody it as the gift that it is. In every physical experience I want to be fully present--not trying to dominate my body, but learning to listen to it, follow it, but also to lead it firmly.
When I meditate, I want to be open to all the states of consciousness that are available and flashing like tempting jewels at the edge of my peripheral vision. I want to fully give to this part of being human--to the explorations and experiments that shift my perspective and lift my spirit.
When I feel--when I am happy or sad or angry--when I am sharing emotions with others, witnessing and holding space for their emotions, I want to be fully present there too. I want to feel and be rather than think, or solve. This is not the place for my over active mind to run free.
I want to move through these ways of being actively. I want to chose powerfully. I want to live life as a physical, spiritual, intellectual, creative, sensual, and conscious being. I want to enjoy it. I want to get all I can out of the experience of being alive and human--the experience of being me--in my path, in my choices, right here, right now. Nothing fancy. Nothing completely new. Just a transformation of being. A new ontology, informed perhaps by a new epistomology, but maybe the other way around. A new way of knowing might grow out of a new way of being. But what I am looking for is presence. Full, embodied, conscious, present, presence. Sounds like the best and sharpest tool, the most delicious drink, the deepest breath. This is my quest, though I wander from it.....
posted by RandomWriter at 11:42 AM
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